Ahh, Britney Spears! Princess of Pop. Femme Fatale. Survivor of 2007. Queen of the Nile. Eternal Possessor of Justin Timberlake’s Balls.
The question isn’t, has never been, and never will be “What is Britney Spears capable of?” but “What isn’t Britney Spears capable of?” Is there anything that the woman can’t do? The answer is “no, absolutely nothing.” She’s pop music’s golden girl for a reason. From the time she popped into the scene, everything she touched turned to gold. She’s been adored by everyone for decades and will, without a doubt, be adored for many more. Britney Spears will shine on eternal.
In honor of Her Majesty’s upcoming birthday (Dec. 2nd, for those who don’t know–shame on you) here’s a compilation of her top ten best ever songs as compiled my moi, the ruler and final sayer of all opinions.
Someone once dared Britney to say “womanizer” five times fast and she nailed it and that’s how this song was born. No, not really. Or I don’t know, maybe for all I know. Regardless, this is an iconic female anthem. Britney calling out cheaters and players for what they are in a fun and bouncy tongue twister. She’s the female pop star we all need but do not deserve.
9. “I’m A Slave 4 U”
She’s not a little girl, you guys. She never was. She’s a grown ass woman who just wants to go to the club and blow off some steam. Also, she’s a slave to music. And also there’s some guy she likes. Okay, so this song isn’t particularly cohesive, but it’s f*cking catchy. Fight me.
8. “Just Like Me”
He used a girl in his music video that looked just like her. Like, WTH, am I right? Go find some other way to sell records, Jus–wait, what? That’s not what this song’s about? Okay, never mind.
I know this isn’t one of her more popular songs and as such, it’s severely underrated. I mean, she’s singing about some dumbass that just played himself by cheating on someone who looks just like her. Why would you go buying the imitation when you can have the original?
There’s also such a feeling of vindication for millions of girls who’ve been cheated on in the past when she sings “she can/she can/she can/have you” in the bridge. If you cheated, basically, she can have you. She f*cking deserves you.
Is Britney like the queen of the “I’m So Over You” anthems? Stronger is another bouncy tune full of female empowerment. She don’t NEED you! You can drag Britney through the dirt YEARS after your break up, but she’ll only come back stronger. Like Goblin’s silver in Harry Potter lore, Britney only imbibes that which makes her stronger.
6. “Oops I Did It Again”
The pop song to lead all pop songs to pop song exodus. This song is almost the definition of pop culture. The alpha and the omega of it. To have lived in the time that this song came out was to witness the making of a legend. I think there was hardly anything bigger at the time than Britney Spears, Oops I Did It Again, and sliced bread.
Her most risque song yet. It’s playful and raunchy in a subtle way, so that when you really listen for the first time and realize what you’ve been singing along to all this time you end up going, “DAAMMMN GIRL!!! YOU DONE WENT THERE, DIDN’T YOU??” But also, this anthem of threesomes is sensitive enough to remind you that this is all happening with mature consent and everyone here is having fun. If at some point you should stop having said fun you can, by all means, voice your concerns and then we can just do it you and me. Or three. Or Four. On the floor.
4. “Slumber Party”
By far Britney’s most aesthetically pleasing music video. Are slumber parties actually anything like this? No. But Britney can do whatever the f*ck she wants. If she says slumber parties smell like cologne and candy lotion instead of farts from too much junk food, then so be it.
3. “Give Me More”
This song symbolises the peak era of Britney’s awakening. While most would like to remember it as That Time Britney Shaved Her Head & Pulled Other Questionable Stunts, I like to think of it as that painful growth period we all have to go through as we break through our cocoon and emerge as butterflies. Britney only came out of this period stronger and more brilliant. Her Midas powers extending through this dark period like a burst of golden life rays to deliver to us the magnum opus that was Blackout and it’s baby “Gimme More.”
2. “Baby One More Time”
You’ve heard it a hundred million times. And yet. A hundred million and one times doesn’t hurt. Not the way it should. This is the mark of a pop music master. You may even hold out for a hundred million and two if no one is around to judge you.
You know when people say a song takes them back? This is that song for me. Damn. So many memories. *cue memory reel of me sitting night after night writing fanfiction* Boy, those characters sure had engaging lives.
Toxic is sexy, thrilling, and daring. She’s literally saying you’re f*cking toxic but I still want you. Which is what we were all saying about her at the time. What is this bouncy melody that won’t leave my head even in my sleep? Who is this sparkling seductress whose hair glows like flowing waterfalls of molten gold? Like a mermaid song, I know you will lead to my demise and still my feet your seductress song follow.
But for real though, if you don’t think Toxic isn’t the best Britney song ever, you’re wrong.