Michael Jackson’s wise, iconic words say it best: Who’s Bad? Well, in the Disney universe there’s plenty of bad to choose from. After recently taking a poll on Buzzfeed to see who people thought was the worst of the Disney villains and after being utterly disappointed with the results, I decided it was time to fix it and create an ultimate ranking for myself. The one ranking to rule them all. The fairest ranking in the land. The one ranking to make all other rankings tremble in its shadow and run, run away and never return.
10. The Evil Queen
To be fair we’ve all been there. We all know that one person who looks like little birds dressed them up in the morning (which, on deeper analysis, seems like a disaster waiting to happen–bird droppings everywhere. And where have these birds trained? I wanna see some esthetician certification!) But the Evil Queen is on this list because her level of petty pushed her to order the huntsman to carve out Snow White’s heart. Talk about extra. We all know that some strategically spread rumors about Snow having the clap would’ve been just as effective to make her seem less “fair” in the eyes of the people. Then she went and died while transformed into the ugliest hag ever. Looks like she definitely played herself.
Another villain afflicted by vanity and narcissism. Gaston is not very high on the list because he was handsome as he was stupid. He lacked the subtlety and cleverness of say Scar or even Prince Hans. If he’d taken time to learn the art of gaslighting he might’ve gone further. Granted, he was contending against Belle who was way out of his brain league. And he did come from that godforsaken little town where people didn’t read. So maybe his was a lost cause all the way. Either way, he’s number nine on the list because if he’d had a couple more brain cells he might’ve gotten away with his evil plot. And because he probably hangs out with Prince Hans at frat parties, hazing pledges and forcing them to do butt-chugs.
Ursula sat at home and did nothing but spy on people through that crystal ball/bubble/facebook/thing. She literally did nothing but waste every day of her life waiting for the perfect opportunity to take her revenge on King Triton. Undoubtedly, her mental health probably could’ve benefited from some hobbies or even a Netflix account. And though she’s number 8 on this list mainly due to her intricate plot to overthrow King Triton, she’s mostly here for her propagation of outdated, sexist views. (“It’s she who holds her tongue that gets a man“? GTFO.)
7. Prince Hans
Anyone else get the feeling that this f*ckboi probably has a secret playroom where he takes dates and makes them sign consenting BDSM contracts? (Anyone else take a look at him and consider for longer than they should whether they would sign that contract? No? Just me? Alrighty, I’ll call my therapist.) Prince Hans is two spots higher than Gaston due to his flawless skills in deception. I mean, he said he’d finish Anna’s sandwiches without missing a beat. He never hesitated for a second to ask what kind of sandwich. That level of commitment, even if in the name of evil, deserves some recognition.
Ah, the Steve Bannon of Agrabah. Or at least we’d like to think that it could be as easy as breaking the face of a magic cobra walking cane to make a certain president of a certain united states start acting rationally. Jafar was clever, manipulative and always two steps ahead. He dedicated so much time plotting his conquering of Agrabah that he clearly was forgetting to eat. Commitment, people. It gets you far on the list of top villains.
5. Lady Tremaine
This sadistic bitch and probable descendant of Ramsay Bolton didn’t feel it was enough to gold-dig her way into Cinderella’s father’s life and to take every rightful thing that belonged to Cinderella. After his death, when she could’ve left well enough alone, when she could’ve sent Cinderella well on her way since she clearly wasn’t interested in anything material, she thought it’d be fun to keep her around as a slave and break her spirit as well as her life. Probably another villain who could’ve benefited from joining a book club or some other hobby rather than sitting around the house doing nothing.
Maleficent takes the ultimate award for pettiness. Cursed a child to death because she wasn’t invited to its christening? Like, did you even want to go? Or did you just want to be asked? This witch’s FOMO is a lethal force that almost obliterated an entire kingdom. Next time just send her an invite. Chances are she’s too hipster to even show up.
Frollo is that super conservative, far-right politician who spends his entire life’s efforts advocating against LGBTQ rights, only to be caught one day in a public bathroom soliciting sex from strange men. The creepiness level is at an all-time high with this Disney villain, and I place him at number 3 solely based on that creep factor. There’s nothing more sinister than someone who hides behind the pretense of religion to carry out their personal agenda of evil.
2. Cruella de Vil
If Cruella were real PETA would have her publicly torched and that Youtube video would break records in views. It takes a psychopath to commit most kind of monstrosities. Even I, a general do-gooder with a petty edge, often find myself at wit’s end with humanity and think Armageddon can’t come soon enough. But when you become the kind of psychopath who can coldbloodedly and without any form of remorse kill innocent beings (and for vanity nonetheless!) then you also become number 2 on this list of Disney villains. (A dire punishment, I like to think.)
I almost chose Cruella de Vil as number 1 because anyone who willingly harms animals is, without a doubt, the scum of the earth. But I left her at number 2 because she clearly was somewhat deranged. Somewhere in her head her neurons weren’t exactly connecting, and that’s not something that we can put a 100% full blame on.
Scar, however, was perfectly about his wits when he premeditatedly plotted Mufasa’s death. (He even had time to compose, choreograph and sing a song about it!) Scar was perfectly sane when he decided to kill his brother, kill his nephew, and go full blown Third Reich on the Pride Lands. To put the cherry on top of his true Machiavellian evil, he manipulates Simba into believing Mufasa’s death was his fault. Was that even necessary since he was planning to have him killed anyway? No, that was purely for his own sick amusement. Scar is twisted down to his very genetic makeup and that’s why he’s the number 1 Disney villain. (So what does it mean that he’s also my favorite Disney villain? Alright, alright! Calling my therapist!)
The Queen of Hearts
I didn’t feel like she truly belonged on this list simply because, yes, she was chopping off heads left, right and center. But the polarity of her moods makes me think that maybe she would’ve been much more reasonable if only someone had only considered slipping her a valium. Let’s be honest, the responsibility and stress of ruling a kingdom of odd creatures would get to anyone. I mean, she did specify she wanted red roses and they instead got all white? I can’t 100% blame her–they had ONE job.
Like Frollo, Governor Ratcliffe is another politician who hides behind the pretense of working for the greater good. Pretentious, greedy, self-serving, racist and making others do all his dirty work, Governor Ratcliffe is a pathetic coward who would probably consider it an honor to be on a top ten list of villains. That’s why I stuck him in the dishonorable mentions.
Vain and truly a master at manipulation, Mother Gothel had the poisonous skill to break even Scar’s twisted confidence. She creeps the hell out of me because I know mothers in real life who are actually like this. Granted, she’s not Rapunzel’s real mother, but she reminds us of those very real women who probably should’ve popped the morning-after pill and forgone a life of motherhood altogether.
Hades, Lord of the Underworld. As a Greek representation of what western civilization knows as Satan, he should be the ultimate Disney villain, right? Thing is, he was funny and entertaining and at times even gave me the impression that perhaps he was simply trying to make the best of a task unwillingly assigned to him. He kind of makes me think of that line in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” where he says “Now John at the bar is a friend of mine/He gets me my drinks for free/He’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke/but there’s someplace that he’d rather be.” Here’s to Hades finally realizing his true comedic potential and finding true personal fulfillment in his life.