I’m that annoying person that starts listening to Christmas songs right as the turkey hits the oven on Thanksgiving night. All the way up to New Year’s night. All month long. Non-stop. And I don’t get sick of it. I could listen to Christmas music all year long if people wouldn’t judge me for it.
Still, even a Christmas carol enthusiast as myself must admit that certain songs are a bit…questionable. Christmas is a season of magic, giving, loving, forgiving, coming together as a human race to learn what real human values are…in a Hallmark movie.
In the real world, a lot of things are topsy-turvy and corrupted. Here are some of those holiday songs that make us raise an eyebrow and ask “What the actual f—?!”
The gold-digging song of the season. This is literally a woman shamelessly asking Santa to bring her all kinds of expensive presents. And I mean, more power to her because so many of us would like to outright ask for these things but we know we’re not hot enough to get them. So am I just hating? Yes. The reason I hate this song is that I’m not sexy enough to pull it off. This song is a constant reminder that my hair is frizzy and that it’s probably time to go wax off my mustache.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
So everyone by now probably knows this is the resident rapey song of the season. The girl’s trying to leave, the guy won’t take no for an answer, he slips something in her drink, or she’s pretending he did, yada yada yada. So yeah, it’s super problematic. But here’s my problem with it: I actually really like this song. I mean it’s catchy and I make sort of a game out of trying to sing both parts at once (think: the holiday version of Bohemian Rhapsody). And, come on, it’s just really well written. So that’s probably on the list of reasons of why I’m going to hell.
However, the HawkeyeChannel on Youtube has fixed this problem for us by writing a politically correct version so we don’t have to feel guilty for singing this anymore!
“The Chimney Song”
The first time I heard “The Chimney Song” (originally written by Bob Rivers and some other sick human beings) I was in SHOCK! Even writing this post, I tried to find some lyrics to fit in here and I couldn’t decide which to use because every verse was just as horrifying as the next. Basically, if you’ve been untainted by this song, there’s this CHILD (of course; it amps up the terror–that’s why all those horror films always have jingles with kids singing. Also, have you heard KIDZ BOP? Chilling stuff! *shudders*) and she’s singing about how there’s SOMETHING stuck up in the chimney, and it’s been there all month long, and now the house smells, and the dog is barking, oh, and by the way, WHY DID SANTA NEVER COME??
If you want your children to have something to talk about at therapy instead of you once they’re adults, play them this song. It should do the trick.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas”
I feel terrible adding this song to the list, but I have to. It’s meant to bring awareness to this horrible situation happening in Africa and it doesn’t hold back one bit on the guilt trip. The thing is, radio stations (and even online music streaming programs) love to play it on rotation during this season. So you’ll be dancing along to “Jingle Bell Rock” one second and the next Bono will be screaming at you “Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!” It’s such a mood killer. But I guess that’s exactly the point. To snap you out of your comfort zone and slap you with some reality. So go find a charity and donate, guys. It’ll make you feel better. At least, until the next time this song plays.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
I imagine this song was written with the idea of “Oh, that’s so cute! He doesn’t know Santa’s his daddy!” But this is so problematic, because either you have to explain to this child that mom’s having a little fun on the side with a man that isn’t his father, or you’re going to have to explain that you’ve been lying to him or her all these years and Santa isn’t real. Or that he is real, he’s just…you. Do you know how many therapy sessions it’s going to take before the psychiatrist suggests that perhaps Santa and his daddy were one and the same? Do you know the sort of identity issues this person will have for years to come? It’s not cute, people. It’s traumatic.
“Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”
Hey guys, gather round! Let me just tell you real quick about this old ass guy that flies around on Christmas night bringing us all presents. But not to everyone! You see, he sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake! He’s watching you ALL DAY LONG, ALL THE TIME. And then at the end of the year, you get a year-end-review, and he decides if you get rewarded or not. This judgmental POS, that watches you in your most private moments, will decide if picking your nose when no one was looking makes you a worthy human being.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
This is your classic tale of how people change after you gain a little fame. Suddenly, everyone wants to be your best friend. Even those who once used to bully you and talk sh*t about you.
There’s a reason why this song ends with all the other reindeer cheering Rudolph and it doesn’t tell you what happened after. Because Rudolph probably told Dasher and Prancer and Vixen and all those other good for nothing reindeer to f**k off. He walked off giving them all the finger, advertised his new skills online, found a better situation, and went on to live his best life. He now sends postcard pictures to the North Pole of his hoofs facing the Caribbean sea with a Margarita on the side that reads “Not wishing you were here.”
“Frosty the Snowman”
So quick story: When I was a child I watched Disney’s Pinnochio and it scarred me for life. Toys were coming to life, you guys. I couldn’t sleep thinking about MY toys suddenly walking and talking. Now, I grew up in a Latin household, so Frosty the Snowman wasn’t available to me during my most impressionable years (we had El Coco, who, as the lullaby goes, would eat you if you didn’t fall asleep. But that’s another traumatic story for another day). But I do wonder, how do children survive after hearing this song?! I would’ve been horrified as a child to hear about a snowman that came to life and was suddenly walking around. The song goes on to say, “Frosty the Snowman was alive as he could be/And the children say/He could laugh and play/Just the same as you and me.” Does no one else see how that’s not a normal thing?! Satanic forces are at play here! Or aliens! Somebody call The Doctor!
“My Favorite Things”
This is a nice enough song. It’s a beautiful melody that serves as a lullaby. If you’ve watched The Sound of Music you know it’s a song Fraulein Maria sings to the Von Trapp children on a night when the terrifying thunder is keeping everyone from sleeping. It’s such a great song especially for those suffering from anxiety, to help remind them to think of their favorite things when things get scary.
You know what it’s not? A friggin’ Christmas song. And yet, every single year, there it is. Smack center of all the Christmas playlists. Now don’t get me wrong, I love raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens just as much as anyone else, but NOWHERE on this song is there even a mention of Christmas. Sure, it speaks of winter and snowflakes as some of our favorite things. It even mentions sleigh bells once. ONCE. But we all like those things all year round. Just because Fraulein Maria mentioned it once in a song doesn’t make it a Christmas song. And also, if you watched the movie and were paying attention, she sings this song right in the middle of summer. So streaming stations and radio stations, y’all need to stop. It’s not like we don’t have an endless bulk of Christmas songs to play every year. I mean, Michael Buble’s entire career depends on making Christmas albums… *side eyes*
Are there any holiday songs that also get under your skin? Leave a comment down below letting us know! We live for this stuff!